Freed Mind

I woke up on Wednesday morning, just as I always did thinking of my day at work ahead, dreading it. I didn't really
like my job, being a book store owner. I had to sell books. no one reads books anymore, not even me, and
that made my job more difficult. I turned over in my bed, only to look at my alarm clock and realise I had
awoken half an hour early. My mind began to wander, while I was looking round my room, only to notice the
computer was switched on. I couldn't see the monitor from where I was sitting, but I knew it was on by the whirring
noise it gives out when the power passes through it. "I'm sure I turned it off last night...." I said to myself in
confusion. I walked round to the front of the machine, when I noticed the screen was black, and a message
started to type it self out.

I didn't know what to think when I read the finished sentence. "ICO, you are in danger, meet me at the back
entrance to your book store as soon as you get there." I was scared, whoever was typing this knew my online
name, and knew I owned a bookstore. I eventually decided it was a friend playing a trick on me with some new
software or something.

So I got dressed as usual, and tried to put this mornings event to the back of my mind. I forgot I had woken up
half an hour early, so I ended up opening my book store 20 minutes prior to usual. I got my keys out from my
pocket, and started to open the lock on the door of my store. I walked through to my office at the back of
the building. I was startled when I turned on the light, to see a man sitting in my chair behind my desk.
I reached for the phone to call the police, but before I could reach it he started to speak.

"Good morning ICO."
"Who the hell are you?"
"I am Raven."
"Why the hell are you in my book store?"
"I've come to Free Your Mind."

This is my first fan fic story, so any crits and advice is welcome, and any names used in this story, im sorry if any one here has these names, its purely coincidental chapter 2 coming sometime this week.

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...A nice start, but it's too bare-bones to gimme a strong impression of it. Good try though; this forum is always welcome to fan fic-and fans. Welcome in!

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im only 14, so it mite not be as good as wot a 20+ year olds can write. i mite be able to get chapter 2 up sometime later today if i work hard enough on it. would u like to see chapter 2?

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"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" As I said this, Raven stood up. He was wearing a long white leather
trench coat, that came down to mid-shin length. underneath, he had a white shirt, black tie and ordinary black
trousers. I looked at him head to toe, and noticed he had plain black shoes. he was also wearing a dark pair of
shades.
"Put it this way, it was me at your computer this morning. Now answer me this, Have we ever met before?"
"No." I said, because I had never seen this man before, and I would of recognised him in them clothes.
"Well how would I know you own a book store, or your name is ICO. Do you want to know why I'm here?"
"Yes but-"
"Follow me."

He turned on his heel, and walked out to the back, where a black '67 Chrysler Newport with dark tinted
windows was parked, with two men inside it, one in the driver's seat, and on in the back behind him.
Raven ushered me into the backseat of the Chrysler, while he got into the passenger seat.
"The man next to me in the driver seat is Dragon. he'll be driving us about, and if you ever need a gun,
Dragon will be the one to ask. And to your left is Cell. He will be with you at all times in the Matrix." Raven
informed me. "Wha-" I tried to say but was cut off.
"Dragon, the doors." Raven said abruptly. Dragon then locked all the doors of the car.
"What the hell is the Matrix?" I was so confused by this time, my brain was starting to ache.
"You will have to find out for yourself, and to do that, you must come with us."
"Look, I've left my shop open, I gotta go. Now let me out of this car."
"We cant do that. Besides, your shop doesn't matter now."
"Of course it does! it provides my income, its how I pay for food and stay alive! Now let me out!" By this time I
had lost my temper. I then felt a sharp pain in my neck.

I woke up in a chair, with raven in front of me. "Now, you have two choices. you take blue pill, u go back to your
book store, and let the danger I warned u of be put upon you. You take the red pill, I take you away from this
danger, and show you why i've brought you here. It's your decision."

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The stroy is developing nicely, if I were you though I would slow it down a bit. You know add more suspence.

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you need to put more detail into this and you need to be more smooth when you're writing. take a look at 'Who Watches the Watchers' and 'The Capricorn'. Take notice of how mac and I write. Don't worry about only being 14, I'm not 18 yet, so ur not the only young writer here.

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Woah there....tks again O2 i owe ye
...It's fine kid n dun let the age put u off: most people your age dun even think they can do it! Jus slow it down as they say-dun be afraid to stretch your story longer and more elaborately in order to give it life. The pill thing is also kinda rushed. Remember people have no idea what's going on in the heads of a writer unlike a movie-his description of a scene and its people is what determines if his ideas get through to them. Keep going kiddo!

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thanks for all the feedback, im trying to break away from the movie, but its just a bit difficult to think of other ways to get out of the matrix, which is why i stuck to the idea of the pills. i know i rushed it, but i thought ppl would get bored if i just posted chapter with hardly anything exciting in it. i'll try to slow donw the pace in the next few chapters. thanks again

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