Whats your Favourite RedDwarf Quotes?

Hey Guys and gals (RedDwarf Fans)

Since a few of us were starting to quote lines from RedDwarf in the wrong thread, I thought it'd be best to start a thread about it.

So fans of RedDwarf, if you want to reminisce about the scenes and lines that you found really funny, then post them here.

I'll start you guys off:

Cat - "Hey whats that? Oh its my shadow, I'm looking nice, my shadow's looking nice, hey what a team !!! This way team !".

Is that a cigarette your smoking?

No, it's a chicken.

Starbug was built to last sir. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81

one from hitch hikers guide:


42!? Is that all youve got to show for seven and a half million years work!?!

Rimmer - "Kryten change to Red Alert!"

Kryten - "Are you sure sir? That does mean changing the bulb?!"

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!" - "Ace" Rimmer to Spanners

Lister stands next to hitler on the poduim at the Nerumberg Rally Yelling: Don't listen to him, he's a complete nutter....AND HE ONLY HAS ONE TESTICLE.!

The crew discover that the Nova V's female crew are decidedly skeletal, Lister nudges Rimmer: "I think the blonde one's giving you the eye."

Lister realises what it will take to destroy the curry monster: "Of course! Lager! The only thing that can kill a vindaloo!"

My favorite one I can't remember the qoute, but it's when Lister is typing on his terminal to the cat that there is a tarantula up his trousers.

Cat: where is it now?

Lister: It's trying to make a nest in my underpants.


and this

Rimmer's trial. "Would Lister describe the accused as a friend?" "No, I'd describe the accused as a git." "Are there no others who have shared moments of intimacy with him?" "Only one, but she's got a puncture.";)

Originally posted by WastedYears
one from hitch hikers guide:


42!? Is that all youve got to show for seven and a half million years work!?!

NO Hitch hikers Guide, this is for RedDwarf.

Thank you.

Remember when Rimmer showed the Cat how to get all the food he needs,

Cat - "Fish!"
Replicator - "Today's fish is Trout ala creme, enjoy your meal!"

Cat - "I will!"

Lister - "I don't know if this is the right time to bring this up ladies, but my friend Ace over here is incredibly, incredibly brave and he's just got tons and tons of girlfriends".

Rimmer - "Shut up dogfood face".

Parallel Universe:

Cat - "If you here me scream, DO NOT I repeat, DO NOT come to the rescue".

"Talk about a weight off your mind!" Lister when his head burst open

Lister holds up an apple.

Lister: Whats this?

Kryton: "its a its a its a The Bolivian Navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific."

lister teaching kryton how to lie

Why did Holly bring Rimmer back, Lister wails, "Hermann Goering would have been better than Rimmer. Okay he was a drug-crazed transvestite, but at least we could have gone dancing."

One of the skutters attempts to thrust a hypodermic needle into Paranoia on Rimmer's command, but is caught in the act: "This is 'Stabbim,' one of our skutters..."

Lister and the cat are watching the flinstones

Lister : Man, what are we thinking?

Cat : I know it's insane.

Lister: she'll never leave fred and we know it.

Rimmer realises he is alive again

"Kryton! Unpack rachel, and bring my puncture repair kit"

The crew elect to support Kryten. "Is this the human value you call 'friendship'?" the mechanoid asks. "Don't give me this Star Trek crap, it's too early in the morning," snaps Lister.

Rimmer - "What are you gonna do with that?!"

Lister - "if Death comes anywhere near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!!!"

Cat - "Whats this Cabaret, entertainment while you eat?"

Kryten - "Going to Purple Alert!"

Rimmer - "Whats a Purple Alert?"

Kryten - "Well, its worst than a Blue Alert, but not quite as bad as a Red Alert."



Hey UT,

Did I get that right? I can't remember but that was funny.

Rimmer decides to retrieve Lister from his wealthy, sex-filled fate. "It's my duty," he insists. "My duty as a complete and utter bastard!"

Lister : This isn't a bar-room brawl, it's a bar-room tidy! Lets unrumble!

Kryton: I really like it here Mr Lister sir, yesterday a mugger mugged me and gave me $25.

Frozen with fear at the 'spider' making its way up his leg, Lister types his message to the Cat: "The lower half of my body has gone numb." "That's probably for the best," the Cat replies.

Originally posted by Zoomer
Kryten - "Going to Purple Alert!"

Rimmer - "Whats a Purple Alert?"

Kryten - "Well, its worst than a Blue Alert, but not quite as bad as a Red Alert."



Hey UT,

Did I get that right? I can't remember but that was funny.

Close enough to be spot on hun.lol
UT

Cat: "Anybody got any opera glasses?"

The crew watch for the right time to save rimmer while hes being tortured.

Dr. Lanstrom blasts at the crew with her hex-vision. Lister: "Why is it we never meet anyone nice?" Cat: "Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?"

Rimmer emerges from around a corner, glove puppet fuming: "Mr Flibble's very cross..."

Rimmer in jail to Lister : Oh they're taking the smeg!

Lister : What ?

Rimmer: I've just won a holiday!!!!!!!!!

Later babe, you were the best.

UT

Holoship:

Hologrammatic beam appears onboard Starbug and takes Rimmer

Kryten: Sir they've taken Mr Rimmer, sir they've taken Mr Rimmer!

Cat: Quick! Lets get out of here before they bring him back!

Alright guys, this is how he would have wanted to be remembered, so lets see how good we are at our quotes. Like the late Zoomer said in the begining of the thread "please only red dwarf". come on Ima i know you know quite a few. Lets make this thread a great damn memory of a wonderful member and his kickass tastes in Comedy!!

Thanks again Buns

UT (MV)

from backwards:

Rimmer: wheres the cat????

Lister : Don't ask man.

Cat leaves the bushes and walks past the pair "Don't ask"!!!

Most of the best one's have already been said. Except for my favourite. But even that's similar to one said earlier:

When Lister holds up a banana:
Kryten: "It's a banan.... It's a small. off-duty, Czechoslovakian triffic warden."

That whole scene is my favourite of all the seasons. And it's on DVD soon!!!! :D

thanks neo that one was gold. Im gonna get my tapes out now.
theres a damn plethera of em. so we havent even started yet guys.

Think of fushal and fiji that should jog some memories

lister: Alright the scutters have mickyfinned their drinks
kryton: what with the virility drug?
Rimmer: yeap, within seconds after half time they'll all be harder than hydratic equations..... we can't lose .

Rimmer in jail: They call this meat? I'd rather eat my grandmothers buttocks deep fried in chip fat!!!

Originally posted by UltimateTrinity
come on Ima i know you know quite a few. Lets make this thread a great damn memory of a wonderful member and his kickass tastes in Comedy!!


UT (MV)

that i do, for zoomer


" No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go? "
- Kryten

"So... let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people and you're telling me your completely sane? "
- Rimmer

Rimmer: "What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! Where did you get them? I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates."
Lister: "Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning."
- Rimmer and Lister

" Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something. "
- Cat

I've got some - hope they're not already posted:)

Rimmer: "Step up to Red Alert!"
Kryten: "Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb. "

"I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day. "
- Kryten, Quarantine

"An IQ of 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water! "
- Holly, Queeg

Cat: "I've been so worried I haven't buffed my shoes in my two days."
- Cat, Marooned

Lister: "Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it."
Kryten: "No plan, sir. No sleeves."
- Lister and Kryten, Inquisitor

"Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with. "
- Rimmer, Stasis Leak

Rimmer: "Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table and put together a solution package - perhaps over tea and biscuits."
- Rimmer, Polymorph

Lister: "Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning."
- Lister

LMAO Ima I've said it before and I'll say it again.

YOU ROCK BABY!!
That was so great to wake up to today.

Cat:UUUrg is that YOUR GRAN??
Lister: Nahh thats a dog??
Cat: Well I don't know what it is, but I just don't like it.
Lister:This is Gran.
Cat: Show me the dog again!!!!

YEAH BABY! :p

"Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think? "
- Kochanski

Rimmer: "I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy."
Steps up to the bar.
Rimmer: "Dry white wine and Perrier, please ."
- Rimmer

" We could go back to Dallas in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll, and shout 'Duck!' "
- Kryten

"Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm alive! "
- Rimmer

Rimmer: "I used to be in the Samaritans."
Lister: "I know. For one morning."
Rimmer: "I couldn't take any more."
Lister: "I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
- Rimmer and Lister

Lister : help Kryton man its.......
Kryton: Oh you like em that much ehh???

Polymorph and the killer sausage

'Is there something wrong?' asked Kryton.

'Something wrong???? said Rimmer, aghast. 'They're dead.'

'Who's dead?' asked Kryton

'They're dead' Rimmer waved at the three skeletons. 'They're all dead.'

'My god!!!' Kryton stepped back in horror. 'I was only away two minutes!'

Rimmer and lister talking about their first time

Lister: Michelle Fisher. The nineth hole of Bootle municipal golf course. Par four, dogleg to the right, in the bunker behind the green.

Rimmer: On a golf course?????

Lister: Yeah

Rimmer: How old were you?

Lister: She took all her clothes off and just stood there in front of me. I nearly dropped my skateboard.

Rimmer:Your SKATEBOARD!!?? How old were you?

Lister:Twelve

Rimmer: Twelve???Twelve years old??

Lister: Yeah

Rimmer: Well you cant have been a full member of the golf club then. That'd be a hell of a lie to get into, wouldn't it? Competition the next day and your ball lands in Listers' buttock crevice!!!!

Kryten: "I beg you to reconsider, Sir. Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice. Remember Captain Oates: 'I'm going out for a walk. I may be some time.'"

Arnold J. Rimmer: "Yes, but the thing is, about Captain Oates; the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates; Captain Oates . . . Captain Oates was a prat. If that'd been me, I'd've stayed in the tent, whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky, and then eaten him."


Holly: "They want you Dave."
Lister: "Me? Why? What for?"
Holly: "For your crimes against humanity."
Lister: "Me what!?"
Holly: "It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen."
Lister: "I did?"
Holly: "You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
Lister: "Yeah. They go moldy."
Holly: "Your sausages, Dave, now cover 98% of the Earth's surface."


Cat: "Some might say that I'm a pretty shallow guy, but shallow guy with a great a$$."

Rimmer gloating over the fact he will soon see Listers' demise.

Holly I'd like to send an internal memo. Black border. Begins: To David Lister. Condolences on you imminent death. Now what's the poem ah yes.....

Now weary traveller,
rest your head,
For just like me,
You'll soon be dead.

Holly- You're really sick you know that?

The Cat elects not to eat with the gear Lister's nicked from the medical unit: "You think I've got nothing better to do than sit around watching you serve chicken chausseur in a stool bucket?"

Originally posted by UltimateTrinity
The cat sits back and listens to channel 2 talk back.....

"Line seven now: What's your problem buddy?"
"I met this female, and, uh....for some strange reason, I still don't understand why....but for some reason....I feel like hanging around after we have sex."

The cat snorted, "The guy is SICK'.

lmfao

Is the last quote out of one of the books? I'm pretty sure it's out of Better Than Life but something keeps telling me its out of one of the earlier series (1 or 2).

i found some wicked funny quotes of the space corps directive of all the ships in R.D


Space Corps Directive #1742
No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee


Space Corps Directive #5796
No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples


Space Corps Directive #43872
Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only.


Space Corps Directive #196156
Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the excercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.

DEATH: Arnold Judas Rimmer. Your life is over. Come with me. We will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin in the…

RIMMER: Not today, matey! *Abruptly, RIMMER knees DEATH solidly in the groin.* Remember: "only the good die young"

Whats red dwarf?

its a comedy series, please dont post in here if you dont know what it is

Spot on. A quote from Better Than Life. I have the whole book and the works.

Ima can u please pm me with the url of quotes again babe?

sure thang

I can't remember which episode it was... But I LMTD (Or LMFAO.. Or LMFHO whichever is preferred) when I saw the episode with a toaster in it. The one where the toaster keeps asking whether the robot man (Don't know his name) wants some toast. It's very hilarious...

I have the complete Toaster and Holly transcript too Jet. So I'll work on it tonight and get it up here.

OK

Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean?
Kryten: Well either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco.

My mind is so numb and brain-dead, I feel like I've just attended a 3 day seminar entitled 'The Future of Plumbing'. Have you any idea how irritating you have just been? You're a master, there are things you could teach to tropical skin diseases.

This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime... it is also his punishment.:Kryton...

Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that
could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this
hessian, rip up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's
uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug.
Kryten : Or we could use the teleporter

Originally posted by UltimateTrinity

Lister: The red, green and blue alert signs are all flashing. What the smeg does that mean?
Kryten: Well either we're under attack sir, or we're having a disco.



LMFAO

Lister: No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend

:) :) :) :) :)

Thanks UT! LMFAO too at that! Thats hilarious. Once I saw the toaster episode, I couldn't stop laughing. Whats the episode called or whats the episode number even?

afew kryton quotes.

A pub - ahh yes. A meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence, by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
-Kryten having walked into the Public House on the backwards version of earth.


This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime... it is also his punishment.
-Kryten bases his defense of Rimmer around the fact that his great incompetence made the Red Dwarf accident an inevitability.


I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
-Kryten is a victim of Rimmer's telekinesis powers when he finds an axe embedded in his back.


Starbug was built to last sir. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81.
-Kryten explains how Starbug was able to survive an impact with a flaming meteor.

and some rimmer ones:

Broadcast on all frequencies and all known languages, including Welsh.
-Rimmer tries to establish contact with Legion's vessel.


I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ... people I met.
-Rimmer gives an emotional goodbye to his companions as he prepares to join the crew of the Holoship.


Um, I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is "What are we going to call ourselves?" um, and I think it comes down to a choice between `The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is `The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Um, one drawback with that... the abbreviation is `CLITORIS'.
-Rimmer's idea for dealing with the polymorph having had all of his negative emotions drained.

Ok, here we go again. I hope you guys know what red dwarf is.

Ace: "I'm sorry, Bongo... I'm strictly butter-side up.

Ace: "Now look here, Arnie.. you can say what you like about me, but I won't hear a word against Skipper here."
Rimmer: "'Skipper'?"
Ace: "A man like him deserves a nickname. I thought 'Skipper' sat rather well."
Rimmer: "'Ace' and 'Skipper'?!? You sound like a kid's tv series about a boy and his bush kangaroo."

Lister: "Are you saying they were Psirens?"
Rimmer: "Of course! It's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up."

OI Ima! Let's see how good you still are at it dudette. Let's ruuummbbllee lol.