Chav Nativity

I'm aware this may be a bit regional but I thought it was pretty funny. No offence is intended to anyone, but if we can't poke fun at ourselves once in a while then why bother?

Chav nativity...

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large: 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!' So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.

Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right' Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that. Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.

They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End . Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt .' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey' Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO

ROFLMMFAO...now that's good stuff right there...

wow. simply wow.

Please. Wipe these tears from my eyes!

I didn't write this to start with, I tidied it up a bit but I have no idea who the original author was. I had it emailed to me by a friend a few days back and thought it was too good not to share.

Is this supposed to be blasphemous?

No, its supposed to be funny. Which it is, very much so.

Is this supposed to be blasphemous?
Yes, blasphemous to the extreme! We're all heretics and blasPHEmers! Burn us all!!!!!!!

I'll get the kerosene.....

Is this supposed to be blasphemous?
No, it was supposed to be a bit of light hearted fun. If I'd thought it was blashemous I wouldn't have posted it.

Even God rested on the seventh day Snoop. Get the stick out of your ass and have a bit of fun. His faith means just as much to him as yours does to you. As he put in the opener, it is poking fun, that is all. If you don't like it then by all means please don't read it. I for one thought it to be hilarious. Please do try and expand on this work Swamps. I am sure you can come up with something.

The Chav Garden of Eden would kick ass Swamps!

Chav Creation Account, lets see what I can do.

1 In the beginning God made everythin.

2 Now the earth was proper mingin, and it was well dark, and the God couldn't see his bling or nothin.

3 And God said, "This dark sucks, lets 'av some light" and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was proper minted, made his gold chain glint and everythin, and He split up the light and the dark. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." It were evening, and then it were morning—day 1 innit.

6 And God said, "All this waters peelin the gold leaf off me fave ring, lets 'av a dry bit." 7 So God made the sky, (not the telly idiot, it wos before satellites wos invented innit) and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." It were evening, and then it were morning—day 2 innit.

9 And God said, "This water everywhere is ruinin me Nike Air Max trainers, I need some dry bits else me Burberry jeans are gonna get well wrecked." And it appened. 10 God called the dry bits "da ghetto," and wet bits got called "da mediteranean." And God said it was bangin.

11 Then God said, "All this dry stuff gets well borin, lets grow some herbs and plants and potato's and stuff, so we can have rollies and chips wiv ketchup innit." Just like that it happened. 12 Everythin started growin, grass and spuds and trees and everythin.. And God was well happy with it. 13 It were evening, and then it were morning—day 3 innit.

14 And God said, "How am I meant to get a tan if I ain't made the sun, and ow am I meant to get ome from the pub at night if I ain't got anyfink to follow? I gotta sort this out" So dat was dat. 16 God made two great lights—the bright one for the day and a dim one for the night. Then he made some stars. 17 God stuck em in the sky, all pretty like, 18 to boss da day and the night, and to sort out light and dark. And it was proper bo. 19 It were evening, and then it were morning—day 4 aight..

20 And God said, "I've got a well good idea what would taste good wiv dem chips" 21 So he made all sorts of mad creatures, fish of all flavors and some proper tasty birds(not like dat, dey came later aight?), according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that they tasted well good. 22 God talked to em and said, "Go and make babies, so we can ave fish and chips for everyone, and so Colonel Sanders can do 'is special recipe for everyone. I is a massiv fan of popcorn chicken" 23 It were evening, and then it were morning—day 5 innit.

24 And God said, "Now I reckon we needs something to take down the park, and something tasty for when I'm bored of chicken and fish, some of dem could be quite entertainin too. Lets make dogs and horses for racin and ridin, and maybe some cows and sheep, and cats and rabbits and guinea pigs for da bitches, and monkeys cos dey is well funny innit" So dat were dat. 25 All of a sudden der were all dese proper mint animals everywhere, and dey was bonin and stuff and makin loads of babies. And God thought it were mint, well except da cats.

26 Then God said, "Lets make bitches and homies like us, and lets pur them in charge over everything."

27 So ee did,
just like 'isself;
homies and bitches he made, chavs and chavettes like

28 God said to them, "Go and shag, der is bogs round the back of KFC perfect for it like. Den have babies and dey can live everywhere like and eat KFC and McDonalds and stuff"

31 God chilled out and looked at everything, and said to isself 'I as done a proper top job, checkit bitches'. It were evening, and then it were morning—day 6 innit.

ROFLMMFAO! Oh this is great!! oh man...suddenly I want to do the ebonics version....very nice, Swampy...my favorite line's gotta be, "...and some proper tasty birds(not like dat, dey came later aight?)" LMMFAO

Hilarious! This is classic, Swamps....the rest of the Bible, NOW! hahahahhaa

OMG...This is the good shit Swamps. I so needed a laugh. Thanks for letting me know it was here. Keep it going old boy. You are definately on a roll. Too damn funny!

Ha, I was thinking of an ebonics version too, Hit. Great job, Swamps, this stuff is genious.

"Go and make babies, so we can ave fish and chips for everyone, and so Colonel Sanders can do 'is special recipe for everyone. I is a massiv fan of popcorn chicken" 23 It were evening, and then it were morning—day 5 innit.
Bahahahaha...you made me giggle like a little schoolgirl!