Joker: The Truth About Bats

Note: Renegade-Agent and I will be writing a little something...hope you enjoy it.

Joker: The Truth About Bats

Hellooooo kiddies....Joker here. Time to set the record straight on a few things. See...I'm not really such a bad guy once you get to know me. I'm actually...a MILLION LAUGHS.....heh heh...Oh come on, you smirked at that. I know you did.

Anyway...I'm really just a guy who wants to put a smile on the face of Gotham...Is that so bad? Suuurrre...I've done some...questionable things from time to time...but I always had the cheer of Gotham in mind. Besides, the means justify the ends, right? I mean, everyone in Gotham will be smiling...an end to all of the sadness in the city.....heeeee heeeee.....i mean, oh, sure, there'll be a few bodies here and there....but ya gotta break an omelette to make some eggs! HAAAAHHHH.....wait...or is that the other way around?

Whatever.

So I'm on my way to start making things happen...got my chemicals...got my hot air balloon....got my secret ingredient....was all set to go....and then HE shows up. The BAT. Always the friggin' BAT. What happens next? The BAT ASSUMES that I'm up to no good. I'm standing on the balloon, ready to make Gotham smile pretty, and his big pretty jet flies overhead. Oh...sure...he's got MONEY....POWER....

RESPECT. Reminds me of a joke...wanna hear it? Of course you do.

Three men walk into a bar. The bar gets pissed off and says, Hey, don't walk into me...I deserve some respect too! HEEEHHAHHHHAHHAHAH!!!

OK, OK. So anyway, the BAT drops out of his plane...is that safe? What kind of a role model is that for kiddies, anyway? He jumps out of planes with no parachutes...harasses an innocent clown....

By the way, how many clowns does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows...they're too busy laughing....AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!

So, the BAT is standing in front of me...all menacing and scary....and I say, "But, I'm just out for a little ride on my balloon...is THAT a crime?" Then I step in to show him my flower on my lapel...it's a hibiscus...I'd forgotten that it was the acid spitting kind...and he slugs me one...HARD...I go down. I put up my hands and I say, "BATMAN...no more....please..." But, I forgot that I had packed my trick knives up my sleeves...so when I raise my arms to surrender, out pops a pair of daggers into my hands...before I could explain, the BAT was kicking in my teeth! What's a poor clown to do?

That reminds me of another joke. What did the drunken knife thrower say to his assistant? Remind me never to drink and throw...oh. Wait...you're dead! AHAHAHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!! I kill myself...

So the BAT kicks me while I'm down, and I almost fall off of the balloon a hundred stories to my death. He TOSSES me over the side, then grabs my hand like he's trying to SAVE me...yeah right....torture is more like it. SO, I'm dangling by a thread, and I realize that the detonator for the gas is in my pocket. So I try to HAND it over to the BAT...I was GIVING UP! HONEST...or my name isn't...uh.....

That reminds me of another joke.

A man falls off of a building and hits the ground and dies. He pops up in heaven. St. Peter walks up to him and says, how did you die? He says, I don't remember. St. Peter says, well, what's the last thing that went through your head? and the guy says, The ground, stupid! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHHHH!!!!!!

So I go to hand over the device, and clumsy me, I ACCIDENTALLY pressed the button...I tried to apologize but the button was slippery and it fell from my hand to the ground below...BATS was PISSED. He threw me back into the balloon. The gas went off...I had to grin...at least the people of Gotham would finally smile all at once...so what does ol' BATS do? He's a real spoil sport. He beat me till i was red as a tomato...

Hey, that reminds me of another joke...hehe...

Momma Tomato, Poppa Tomato, and Baby Tomato are walkin' down the street, and Baby falls behind, so Poppa jumps on baby, squishes him and says, KETCHUP! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHH....I can't claim credit for that one...that one's from Pulp Fiction, directed by the great Quentin Tarantino, but it's still great...and what a director he is...I mean, the camera work...the randomness of some of the thoughts in that...it's just like life...My KIND OF MOVIE....hehhehheh.....

So the gas is seeping into the city...ol' Batbrain's freakin' out, and he says to me....he says, 'Joker, how do I stop it?' Imagine...the BAT...asking li'l ol' ME for help. So I say to him, Welllllllll.....I would say if you spin around three times, clipping your heels together and whispering there's no place like home, that'd be a start....but I don't think that's what you want to hear right now...heeheee.....

The BAT actually bitch slapped me. I SWEAR. I know, I couldn't believe it either. Then he called me a bunch of names I'd DARE not repeat, and dangled me over the edge, AGAIN! That's when I just HAPPENED to remember the antiserum. Well, I feared for my life...so I promised to make a deal. Then the brute bitch slapped me again....I started to think my name was SUSAN...AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHH!!! ahem...then he opened his big belt buckle. That's when I knew it. I said, NO, BATS, WAIT....this isn't prison!! You can't DO THAT HERE!! Besides, I'm not your type...

Then I realized he had buttons on the underside of the buckle. Suddenly, that big pretty jet showed up. Wouldn't you know, he had some kind of vacuum thingie built into it....and it started to suck up all that lovely gas.

That reminds me of a joke....

Oh, but wait, I'm almost to the BEST part...so the jet flies in, and starts to suck up the gas, when I get to my feet. I look over the side, and ACCIDENTALLY drop a Joker Brand STICKYBOMB (patent pending) onto the jet as it flies under. I was SO SHOCKED. I couldn't tell BATS what happened...he'd just bitch slap me again...so, I went back to cowering in the corner until WHAMMO!!! Down goes the BATBLIMP! AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Oh it was...um...horrible.......oh, the humanity...I was so shocked that I ran toward him to...CONSOLE him, and I inadvertantly PUSHED him over the edge!

LMFAO, I love it. The jokes are too funny as well. Keep this going gents. Your turn RA old chap. Go get um. I know you can. Well done Hit.

This looks like it could be really good fun, I look forward to seeing where it goes chaps. Good start Hit.

Its a double post, but its a week later so sue me.

Guys, you better not be leaving this to die, I want to see what you both had in mind.

Just read it and damn thats the best laugh I had all day (or was it hour? I dunno the gas was released her)
Okay dont worry no there to steal your spotlight.

Write my friends. WRITE

Alright RA, put your damn tea cup down and get in here and write. This is great stuff. We don't want to see this die out. C'mon honey.

You...actually....came back? What's wrong with YOU? I mean, you're either psychotic (like me!), or bored...or you love my jokes. Nobody can joke like the Joker....

So, where was I? Oh yes...the BAT. Always about the bat...why are you so obsessed over a guy in bat tights? I mean, there's gotta be something seriously wrong with you if you put on tights, a cape, and some pointy ears and think you're sane! Come on...and yet he's a HERO. I should be the hero...I'm a much better dresser! HEehehehehahhahhhh! And why is it women always go for him? All they can see is his chin! And you know that's all....PADDING...hmmmhehehhheheheh....Reaaaally, underneath it all he's probably some scared little rich boy whose parents were murdered in a dark alley by some psychopath robber who felt no remorse and later went insane from some bizarre accident....or something like that. Heh...heee heee...what if Bats was like...Bruce Wayne....wouldn't THAT be a HOOT? heeeheee...that's even more insane than...well, ME.

ANYYYYWAYYYY.

I have this feeling I was telling you something last time...but you know, my mind's not what it used to be...it's much more twisted...AHA! The BAT...right...

This one time...at band camp....the Bat and I were going mono e mono on this plane that went down in the woods. Wouldn't ya know we crash landed at a band camp? What a buncha freaks they were...acted like they'd never seen a psychotic clown and a guy in a bat suit before...bet half of them are in therapy now....hmmm...maybe I could recruit a few of them....eeehahahah! But I digress. So the bat and I get out of the wreckage...pilot's dead, other passengers're dead...so we get up, and Bat's starts beating the purple out of me...hee hee, and i says to the bat, 'Wait!' He's got his fist pulled back, and he's holding me by my shirt with the other hand...and I'm on my knees. I wait about 30 seconds. Bat's is just standing there, posed...waiting for me to say what I have to say...so then I smile and say, "Just wanted to see if you'd do it!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHH!!!! Oh, it was classic!

That reminds me of a joke. A man walks into a bar and has a beer. He notices a woman at the other end of the bar. The bartender comes over to him and says, "Nobody seems to be able to get that woman to warm up to them...but I know what she wants..." The guy asks what, because the woman is very attractive. The bartender says, "She wants a guy who's incredibly confident in what he has to offer...but no guys are confident enough to show her their....winky..." The guy laughs and says, "That's ridiculous!" The bartender shakes his head and says, "Tell you what I'll do. I'll give you five drinks on the house right now if you go show her your winky...and I guarantee she'll go for you." Bartender produces the drinks, and the guy downs them all. He's good and drunk now, confidence is through the roof, and he walks over to her and whips it out. The woman belts him one, calls the cops who are sitting in the back of the bar, who immediately beat him senseless and haul him off to jail. As the guy is passing the bartender, the bartender says, "I just wanted to see if you'd do it!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH!!!!! .........Laugh or I'll rip out your tongue and put it where the sun don't shine.

Now, where was I?

Duude this is great...
Just wow. hehehe

LMMFAO, Band camp. Oh, no comment. This is great stuff Hit. I am glad that you are finding a bit of time to try and write a bit. Keep up the great work.

This is hilarious, keep it up guys!

Batman.

We'd be best friends if I did't despise his very existance.
And if I wasn't completely insane but thats beside the point.

And he's always got these damn kids with him, I mean jeez, how desperate can you be when you have little jimmy the paper boy watching your back?

I say he's a coward, I'd never put a child in danger like that.
I'd actually aim at them.

What?
Listen I may be crazy but I'm am NOT a liar.
Honestly is the best policy.
Apart from kill everyone then run away laughing with the loot.
Back on point.

Batman.

Batman.

Batman???

what the hell kind of a name is that?
I mean how do you come up with something like that?
Just sitting in your front room then suddenly a bat crahses through the window?
Bah, I don't think so.
As soon as I saw batsy I said to myself I said "I'm dealing with a twisted mind here"
Batman was probably thinking the same thing.
I swear,I should be able to file a lawsuit against him for slander.
Hey. . . .thats a good idea!
I'll write that down!
Harv's a good lawyer . . .both sides of him.

Great.

He's here.

Hahaha... I love this men.
Keep going. :D

I wonder how much Harv charges per hour....I should just keep him on retainer. Then again, he'd never fit in it...and it'd be coming out of some kid's mouth....eww....HAH!!

Yes, yes...the Bat's here....all dark and brooding. Lookit 'im. What kind of a freak wears a cape? The Spandex I get...but the cape? It's so.....Liberace...HEE HEEEE....

He just stands there, staring at me. Take a picture!! It'll last longer!! I'll even....SMIIIILLLLLLE....hahahahhhhhahahahahhhh....

So what's up Batsy? You're not in your belfry?? AHAHAHAH!! What can I do to you, Batboy? You came to see little ol' me in prison...somehow I doubt it's a social call....otherwise you'd use the PHONE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH....shuddup. Well, Batsy, Watsy? Anything you wanna say to me?

Waitaminute.

That's....not....the....Batman.

It's my own shadow....heeee heeee.....silly me...

Oh, it is the Bat. Damn this crazy head o' mine...hee hheee....shuddup.

Goin strong I see.

Nice writing my friend.
I'm not a big fan of the batmovies. but I love this...

Was that a tumbleweed I just saw go by in here? Hmmm...

Soooooo....Batsy Watsy Now-I'm-A-Patsy...what brings you to Arkham Asylum? Slumminnnnnng? What's that you say, Bats? I'm a little hard of hearing...Wait, lemme get these fingers out of my ears...they're not mine, you know...

*Tosses fingers aside*

So, Batboy, what can I do to you...er for you?

No, I'm not the Riddler, I don't give you clues...you're gonna hafta fend for yourself, BatBrain...ehahhh.....Then again...it might be fun...OK, Batlad, here's your clURGGHH!!

GAKK..HAHAAAAKKKKK...

Koffff...Not into...games....(man, he's gotten stronger...)...Too bad, Batbutt, you gotta PAY TO PLAY...EHHAHAHAHAHAH!! You'll find that the ol' Joker's a real SPORT sometimes...even when you do FOUL things to him...heh heh...Am I gonna have to FLAG you down to get you to pay attention to me? Hmmmm? Move it Bats...CLOCK'S ticking!!

*door slams*

That'll keep him busy for a few minutes...I so love sending him on wild Batchases...HA!!