Red vs. Blue -- Showdown

An alternate reality story of the Reds... and the Blues... Fighting (For once).

Red vs. Blue -- Showdown
Written By- Psycho
Edited By- PSM
Produced By- MatrixMania.com
Special Thanks To- Rooster-Teeth Productions

Rated R For-- Language, violence, and many other stupid things.

((The stupid DUN-NUN-DUN-NUN song that comes up at the start of every RvB))

Psycho Studios Present
Red vs. Blue
Chapter I -- You Again?

Fade in to a Human vessel flying over Halo, five pods launch out of the belly of the ship and plummet to Halo. At Blood Gulch, the five pods smash into the ground behind the Red base. The pods spring open.

SARGE: God almighty! I have to take a leak the size of the Indian Ocean!
GRIF: *Stretching* The Indian Ocean?
SIMMONS v2.0: Yes, dumbass, the Indian Ocean. Very good sir, allow me to assist you.
GRIF: Kiss ass. Who the hell thinks of the Indian Ocean anyway? Is there even an Indian Ocean?
DONUT: What the hell's an Ocean?

Meanwhile, at the Blue base.

CHURCH: I cannot believe we have sat here for a year, while the Reds have already left. What kind of people run the Blue army? I mean, look at that. There are cobwebs growing on top of the cobwebs over there! That base is emptier than Caboose's head.
TUCKER: ... I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
CHURCH: *Sighs* Sometimes I wonder why I fucking signed up for this army.
CABOOSE (O.S.): Church! Where is Church? My zipper is stuck.
TUCKER: You don't have a zipper in your armor Caboose.
CABOOSE (O.S.): ... Oh yeah! Sheila, help me get this zipper unstuck.

Back at the Red base.

SARGE: Alright, now that my bladder is relieved I say we go on a patrol.
GRIF: Why? Hasn't intellegence said that the Blue army abandoned long ago?
SIMMONS v2.0: Actually, for once Grif is right.
GRIF: I am? YES!
SIMMONS v2.0: Why the hell are we here anyway? The Blues pulled out long ago.
SARGE: Both of you quit your bitching! You're like two Mississippi girls at a rodeo. Now, everyone pile in the Puma.
SIMMONS v2.0: *Sigh* Haven't we gone over this before? It is a WARTHOG.
GRIF: Well whatever the hell it is, I get shotgun!
DONUT (In Passenger Seat): I wouldn't count on it. Unless you want to sit in my lap?
GRIF: I'll pass.
DONUT: ... Fine...

The Warthog is flying down the path towards Blue base, country music blaring. Caboose and Tucker are walking down the path.

CABOOSE: I still haven't got my furniture back.
TUCKER: What?
CABOOSE: When me and O'Mally were roommates, the Red sergeant said that when O'Mally moved out, he took the furniture and the drapes. I haven't gotten either of them back yet.
TUCKER: ... ... ...
CABOOSE: And I liked those drapes, they were a good color.

The Warthog pulls up.

GRIF: Howdy doo boys. Hows it going?
CABOOSE: *Whispering to Tucker* Tucker, I do not think I should be talking to these strange people. My mother always told me never to talk to strangers.

Tucker and Donut look at each other.

TUCKER/DONUT: You again?!

Meanwhile, a lone space fighter touches down on the upper ridges of Blood Gulch. A Spartan dressed all in black steps out.

????: ... Time to take a leak the size of the Indian Ocean.

Nice start. You got the characters exactly. I love watching those episodes so it should be interesting to see what you can do with them.

((The stupid DUN-NUN-DUN-NUN song that comes up at the start of every RvB))

Psycho Studios Present
Red vs. Blue
Chapter II -- Here we go Again...

Fade in on the mystery Spartan.

????: Well, now that my bladder is relieved I might as well get down to it.

He sets down a radio and an iPod. Twiddling the radio, he comes upon a frequency he likes.

????: Come in HQ, do you read me, over?
DUDE: Yeah dude, we hear ya. Don't have to go over all that radio ettiquitte and stuff dude.
????: I have set up perch in between the two bases, I am prepared to start sniping at any time.
DUDE: Okay dude, alrighty... Wait a sec, who are you, dude?
????: I have many names; the Hammer of Justice, Assassin, and... Frederick. However, you might refer to me from now on as "The Pro".
DUDE: Okay Frederick. Be glad to hear from you. Dude, out.
THE PRO: It's "The Pro" dammit!!

Meanwhile, in the middle of Blood Gulch...

TUCKER: Don't think Caboose!! Just run!!
CABOOSE: What is think?
TUCKER: Ahhh!!
CABOOSE: Running time!!

The two Blue Idiots sprint off towards the direction of the Blue base.

SARGE: Sweet merciful Millie!! Those two Blues can run fast!
GRIF: Yeah, we'll chase them all the way through Blood Gulch.
DONUT: Well, at least this place isn't called something stupid like "Coagulation" or something.
GRIF: I know! What the hell type of name is Coagulation? Is that even a word?
SIMMONS v2.0: We're coming up on them now sir!

THE PRO: Got ya'.

The Pro fires a single sniper bullet into the Warthog's tire. The Warthog flips over, sending the Red team flying all over the place. Tucker and Caboose stop.

TUCKER: What the hell just happened? Did we win?
CABOOSE: Maybe Church saved us! He always liked me.
TUCKER: Caboose, Church HATES you.
CABOOSE: You're just jealous because I am white and Church is white. We are like brothers!
TUCKER: Why you little...

Meanwhile, The Pro has his sniper sights set on Tucker.

THE PRO: HaHaHaHa... Goodnight my friend.

((The stupid DUN-NUN-DUN-NUN song that comes up at the start of every RvB))

Psycho Studios Present
Red vs. Blue
Chapter III -- OMG TUCKER LOOK OUT!!

Fade in on Tucker strangling Caboose.

TUCKER: Caboose... Do... Not... Ever... Racially... Insult... Me...
CABOOSE: *Choking* What is... Racially?

Tucker stops strangling Caboose.

TUCKER: What am I doing? I cannot kill this moronic noob. Although he is an annyoing pile of shit. Besides, we'd be down a player. And that is not fine.

Meanwhile...

THE PRO: Got you. Say goodnight, blue boy. Wait a minute!!

The Pro surveys the wreckage of the Warthog, and sees Donut emerge.

THE PRO: Hmm... Pink armor + Red Team = Sexy Red Chick! Tucker! I shall let you live for now.

The Pro packs up and takes off after Donut. While the Red team is picking themselves from the wreckage.

SARGE: What in the Wide-Wide-World of Sports happened?
SIMMONS v2.0: It appears our front tire was shot out.
SARGE: By who? Those blues were running faster than my sister at a family reunion.
GRIF: First off... Eww. Second off, I don't think it was a blue that shot out your tire.
SARGE: Now, why do you say that Donut?
GRIF: It's Grif.
SARGE: Yes Trace, I know your name. Why do you say that?
GRIF: *Sigh* Because of that dude in the black armor running towards us.
DONUT: How do you know he's the one that shot out our tire Trace?
GRIF: My name is GRIF Donut!
DONUT: Right.
GRIF: And I know because he is carrying a sniper rifle.
SARGE: I don't see how this adds up.

The Pro slides up, out of breath.

SIMMONS v2.0: Oh shit! It's that Blue team chick!
GRIF/SARGE/SIMMONS: AHHHHH!!

They run off, leaving Donut and The Pro standing there.

THE PRO: Say there, hot stuff, how abouts we wrangle ourselves a threesome with that hot blue chick Tex?
DONUT: *Deep Voice* Sure.
THE PRO: What the-- Are you a--

The Pro looks Donut up and down.

THE PRO: OH MY GOD!! AHHH!! *Runs off*
DONUT: Why do they always do that?

Meanwhile, at Blue base.

CHURCH: Alright Caboose... Minority.
TUCKER: Hey!
CHURCH: We have recieved a reinforcment from Blue base.
CABOOSE: Ooh!! Blue... Like the color of my armor!
CHURCH: ... Uhh. Yeah. Anywoo, here he is. What's your name again?

A brown Spartan walks out.

????: Me llamo Lopez-- Err... Me llamo Sanchez.
TUCKER: Cool! A Mexican! A minority people hate more than black people like me!
SANCHEZ: Tengo tu gato en mis pantalones.
CABOOSE: I think he wants a cat... In his sneakers.
TUCKER: Caboose, you speak Spanish?
CABOOSE: Ja. I hable Spanish.
CHURCH: *Slaps himself in face* Why oh why am I stuck with these idiots?

lol

And now Lopez is in the mix. This is great. It really helps to gill the time between new episodes.

((The stupid DUN-NUN-DUN-NUN song that comes up at the start of every RvB))

Psycho Studios Present
Red vs. Blue
Chapter IV -- We Got A Bleeder!

Fade in on The Pro.

THE PRO: I don't understand it... How the hell could I mistake that cross-dressing queerbait for a real woman? Maybe I'm losing my sense of judgement... Or maybe... I'm... Gay...? NO! I will not live for it!! I mean, the Earth has France... That's enough gay people for the whole galaxy. *Points pistol to head* Goodbye cruel Blood-Gulch world! This is where my life flashes before my eyes.

The Pro at his first day of military academy.

CAPN: Frederick! You fail, you have to repeat the academy.
THE PRO: Oh, darn.

The Pro five years later.

CAPN: Hammer of Justice! You fail again, you have to repeat the academy again.
THE PRO: Motherfucker.

The Pro five years later again...

CAPN: Congrats, Pro. You finally passed!
THE PRO: Finally! Now I have a sniping mission at Blood Gulch, see ya later Captain.

Back to the current day Pro.

THE PRO: Dude. My life sucked. I can't die yet! I have a better idea, why don't I kill that cross-dressing pansy?

At the wreckage of the Warthog.

SARGE: Is the creepy black-armored chick still here?
DONUT: Nope. And guess what, it was a guy.
GRIF: So?
DONUT: Check this out! He hit on me.
SIMMONS v2.0: ... That's pretty fucked man.
DONUT: I know I am pretty. Thanks Simmons.
SIMMONS v2.0: No, I mean you're a fucking faggot Donut.
SARGE: Simmons 2.0! We do not use the F-Word around Donut.
GRIF: What, faggot?
SARGE: No fudge. Donut is allergic. *Pulls out a piece of Fudge*
DONUT: Fuck you Simmons. You're just jealous because you can't get into Sarge's pants. And that nice man was hitting on me.
SARGE: Okay. This conversation is weirding me out. Grif!
GRIF: What?
SARGE: Just making sure you will still straight.
GRIF: Damn right I am.
SIMMONS v2.0: That's it, time to dance you flaming faggot.

The Pro is taking careful aim on Donut.

THE PRO: Say goodnight, pinky.
CABOOSE: Hello.
THE PRO: Jesus! *His elbow bumps the butt of the rifle and he pulls the trigger*

SIMMONS v2.0: Eat shotgun fag-- *Gets hit by the sniper bullet and dies*
SARGE: Holy hibernating hedgehogs!
GRIF: What the hell happened?
DONUT: I didn't do anything.
SARGE: I know exactly who did it. Damn you God!! *Shakes fist in the air* Why must you always take the kissasses and not the dumbasses?
GRIF: ... What?

Back on Caboose and The Pro.

THE PRO: So, who the hell ARE you?
CABOOSE: Hang on. *Checks the back of his underwear* My name is Michael J. Caboose. I am blue, and I like to sleep.
THE PRO: ... Did you participate in any anti-freeze chugging contests when you were younger?
CABOOSE: Yes I did. And I was the only one who finished his.

((The stupid DUN-NUN-DUN-NUN song that comes up at the start of every RvB))

Psycho Studios Present
Red vs. Blue
Chapter V -- New and Improved

Fade in on Red team standing around Simmons' body.

GRIF: So what the hell should we do?
SARGE: We? Donut was the one who shot him.
DONUT: I didn't do anything!
SARGE: Sure, denial is the first thing you think of when you kill someone. Come on Grif, time for us to take Simmons back to the base.
GRIF: Okay.
SARGE: And by us I mean you. Hop to it laddy.
GRIF: Oh, damn.

Grif starts to drag Simmons away. Meanwhile, at the blue base.

CABOOSE: I found another blue person. Can I have a cookie?
CHURCH: Uh, yeah Caboose. There are cookies up there. *Points up the ridge*
CABOOSE: Oh boy! *Runs out there*
CHURCH: Howdy. Looks like your stuck with us. I'm Church. That's Tucker, the commanding officer and only minority around here.
TUCKER: Fuck you Church.
CHURCH: The dumbass is Caboose.
THE PRO: Yeah, I kind of realized that.
CHURCH: And that dude is Sanchez.
SANCHEZ: Hola. Me gusta tu cabeza.
CHURCH: We mostly ignore him.
THE PRO: Oh.

At the Red base.

SARGE: Donut! Hand me those pliers.
GRIF: Why the hell do you need pliers?
SARGE: Grif, I asked for Donut to pass me the pliers, not for you to bitch. Come on Donut.
DONUT: Here.
SARGE: A little twist here, a screw there. Voila! It is done!

They step back from the operating table and Simmons lay on it.

GRIF: He looks exactly the same.
SARGE: Aha! That's where you are wrong Grif. He doesn't have that bullethole that Donut put through him.
DONUT: It wasn't me.
SARGE: Oh, Donut. You and your denials. Well, let's fire this puppy up.

Sarge pulls on a ripcord that looks like he stole from a lawnmower. Simmons starts.

SIMMONS v3.0: Aw Jesus. Did I die again?
DONUT: Simmons, it wasn't me. It was that blue dude!
GRIF: Who, Caboose?
DONUT: No, lighter shade of armor?
GRIF: Tucker?
DONUT: Tucker's teal, the light blue guy.
GRIF: Tex?
DONIT: Tex is a chick... Church! That's who it was.
GRIF: Oh. Don't you mean Doc?

((The stupid DUN-NUN-DUN-NUN song that comes up at the start of every RvB))

Psycho Studios Present
Red vs. Blue
Chapter VI -- Happy Fourth of July

Fade in on Sarge putting the finishing touches on Simmons v3.0. When Donut comes running in.

DONUT: Simmons, Sarge!
SARGE: What is it Donut?
DONUT: Well, Grif and I...
SIMMONS v3.0: Wait, were you playing 'snatch the weasel' with Grif again?
DONUT: No, that comes later. But anyway, me and Grif were looking at the calendar and guess what day it is?
SARGE: Pants day?
DONUT: No.
SIMMONS v3.0: The day I get my revenge?
DONUT: Nope.
SARGE: Christmas? Oh god, I haven't been a good boy... Now I'll never get that Battle Rifle ammo I asked for...
DONUT: Nope. It's the Fourth of July!!
SIMMONS v3.0: ... So?
GRIF: So?! Who's up for getting drunk and blowing shit up!?
SARGE: Wait, wait, wait... Drunk? I'm in.
SIMMONS v3.0: Alright, I'll join you all.

Meanwhile, at the Blue base.

TUCKER: What the hell are they doing Church?
CHURCH: I can't tell, it looks like they're having a wild party.
TUCKER: A wild party? Let's join them! We can't have our own fourth of July party since Caboose and Sheila drank all the booze.
CABOOSE: *Slurred* She-Sheila... You--You-- You didn't finish your... *Passes Out*
CHURCH: Yeah... I agree with you there.
TUCKER: So what're we waiting for? I got the ribs down in the freezer.
THE PRO: What the hell are we talking about?
CHURCH: WHOA!! Goddammit, I hate it when you just appear behind me like that.
TUCKER: We're gonna go join the Red's fourth of July party.
THE PRO: Count me out. I'll hang out with the drunk tank over there.
CHURCH: Why?
THE PRO: I already made the mistake of thinking the pink dude was a man, who knows how far I'll go when I'm drunk?
TUCKER: Good point. Say, where'd you get that bottle of Jacks?
CHURCH: What?! The only Jack Daniels in this world comes from Tex's private stash!! Where'd you get it?!
THE PRO: Oh, I have my ways... I have my ways...

Tex's alcohol storage.

THE PRO: Can I have a bottle of Jacks?
TEX: Sure, here you go.

GRIF: Hey Sarge! I can spell my name! *Writes GRIF in the air with a sparkler*
SARGE: Yeah, so can I! *Shoots SARGE in the base wall with his battle rifle*

TUCKER: Dude, this fucking sucks. When are we going over there.
CHURCH: When they get to drunk to process that we are Blues and kill us. Which is approximently, now.
TUCKER: Shotgun!

Donut and Simmons are sitting on the ground, strapping bottle rockets to an XBOX they found. When the blue warthog slides up.

TUCKER: Howdy! We're two more Reds looking for a good time.
DONUT: *Slurred* Okay... Bu-Bu--But it will cost you.
CHURCH: Ugh. Let's go Tucker.
SIMMONS v3.0: *Slurred* Alright. Let's lig-light em and run like Blues.
DONUT: *Slurred* Word yo.

A few hours later... Behind Red base everyone is passed out, except for Simmons.

SIMMONS v3.0: Hey guys, check this shit out!
SARGE: What the Sam Helsinky are you doing 3.0?
TUCKER: Yeah. Quiet down, I've got a big-enough hangover to make Adam Sandler jealous.
CHURCH: Dude, Adam Sandler has been dead for thousands of years.
SIMMONS v3.0: Ready? Ready? I'm gonna light this M-6000 and drop it in this bottle.
CHURCH: An M-6000? That's big enough to be a bomb!
TUCKER: Uhh... Cool party. Gotta go now.

Church and Tucker run off to their warthog and burn out of there.

SARGE: Don't do it Simmons!!
GRIF: Oh god he lit it!
DONUT: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!

BOOM!! The firecracker goes off in Simmons' hand.

SIMMONS v3.0: OH MY GOD!! MY ARM IS GONE!!
GRIF: We warned you.

Many minutes later...

SARGE: There we go. Simmons v3.5.

Simmons' arm is brown and visibly smaller than his other one.

SARGE: We ran out of parts for this, so we had to use Lopez' spare one.
GRIF: Actually, Lopez never had a spare one.
SARGE: Shhh!!

In the middle of Blood Gulch, Sanchez is laying there with his arm ripped off.

SANCHEZ: Tengo doler de mi brazo.

^(My arm is hurting me)^