Aliens:final Doom

PROLOGUE
The meteor hit on the outer rims of the planet ZX802/551,near the biotech research facility.the meteor hit on the 5th of april year:41,397.
A research team was sent to investigate-none returned,biotech then set a heavy weapon recon team to secure the area again none returned.
Biotech then sent a MHWTI(mobile heavy weapons and tactics infantry)
They returned after 3 weeks(12 dead,3 injured,15 with no visable injury)
with a xenomorph (origin unknown)and placed it in a secure medlab under heavy guard.
All communication with the facility was lost 4 months ago.
After various evaluations of the situation and the input of a number of scienctific and military experts,biotech decicded that the research being conducted on ZX802/551 was just too valuable to lose-so a detachment of terminators(20 highly trained marines armed with advanced techno-battle armour which is equipped with a storm bolter,a plasma cannon and a autogun)
and a battalion of storm troopers(50 lightly armoured,highly trained soilders each armed with a meltagun,a lasgun and a grenade launcher) was sent to retrieve the research,rescue any survivors and pacify any resistance.
THE BATTLE HAS BEGUN!!!

I see that you have a few stories going, most with very limited additions. Do you plan to expand on any of them or just continue posting fragments of various new stories?

yeah of course i'm just gettting them all rolling first,and then i'll write more,have you read the matrix dammnation?

so people feel free to give any advice andor critism and please please comment
thanks

PROLOGUE
The meteor hit on the outer rims of the planet ZX802/551,near the biotech research facility.the meteor hit on the 5th of april year:41,397.
A research team was sent to investigate-none returned,biotech then set a heavy weapon recon team to secure the area again none returned.
Biotech then sent a MHWTI(mobile heavy weapons and tactics infantry)
They returned after 3 weeks(12 dead,3 injured,15 with no visable injury)
with a xenomorph (origin unknown)and placed it in a secure medlab under heavy guard.
All communication with the facility was lost 4 months ago
a detachment of terminators(20 highly trained marines armed with advanced techno-battle armour which is equipped with a storm bolter,a plasma cannon and a autogun)
and a battalion of storm troopers(50 lightly armoured,highly trained soilders each armed with a meltagun,a lasgun and a grenade launcher) was sent to retrieve the research,rescue any survivors and pacify any resistance.
THE BATTLE HAS BEGUN!!!
THE LANDING
A gigantic space ship began to desend from orbit and land on the dark and rocky planet surface.
"LANDING PROCEDURE COMMMENCING!GET TO YOUR POSITIONS!I REPEAT GET TO YOUR POSITIONS!"ordered a loud metalic voice which was coming from a loud speaker above cragg's head
Captain cragg was'nt much to look at-his face long and scared,his eyes were grey, to look into them was like looking into a neverending tunnel of darkness and doom,his hair was short,straight and grey,the captain was a midget compared to the other soilders,but after 30 years of constant battles and invasions he became tough, uncomprimising and a man that demanded complete respect
"Well boys and girls looks like we've got ourselves neck deep into kragshit again,GODDAMNIT!I love the core,don't ya all ?"shouted cragg gleefully
he recieved a mumble of mixed responses.
"i said DON'T YOU ALL LOVE THE CORE?"bellowed cragg once again glaring at the groop of soilders assembling in front of him.
"YES!WE LOVE THE CORE!"answered the soilders
"good,now grunts we have a less-then simple rescue/recon and pacify mission on our hands here,you've all read the datachip you were given so you know the basics of what we're doing here,right i'm gonna call out your names and sort you out in to units ok ready?JAQQCES,SERGE,CROWE,WINSTONE,PARR,SHEEN,LEE,CAIN,RIDDICK,HUNTER, YOU GUYS ARE IN ALPHA,ANOM,JACOB,FANG,CHOSKY,GORMEN,ACE,SMITH,REEVES,LOCK,YOU LOT ARE IN BRAVO,CLOUD,CID,SQUALL,SPINAL,ROGERS,OSBOURNE,HANK,GRIM,DUKE,CROSS, YOU LOT ARE IN GAMMA,FREDRICK,ELSDEN,JOSEPH,JONES,MEGUIRE,DANIELS,WOLF,MARSHELL,SHERPARD,PETERS,YOU GUYS ARE IN BETA,
AND FINALLY LLOYD,CASTLE,KING,HAMILTON,BOLT,DRAKE,ASH,KNIGHT,RODRIGEZ,JACKSON,YOU GUYS ARE IN OMEGA.
now you know get in to your assigned battle cruiser and get ready,we're
going in

people please give me some feed back,even if its bad feedback,please point out my weaknesses and strengths,tell me what you would change,and tell mw what does not sound right,so please help me!
Thanks

people please give me some feed back,even if its bad feedback,please point out my weaknesses and strengths,tell me what you would change,and tell mw what does not sound right,so please help me!
Thanks

Alright.............since nobody else is willing I guess I'll speak up.

First of all, I think it is great to see the use of imagination. I give your creativeness credit however creativity cannot be truly appreciated if the ideas are not conveyed effectively. This takes time and practice.....it is a craft. You are young so I would be patient and practice. Expand your vocabulary...........read books that you like and live your life to the fullest as you will find that it the REAL things in our lives that influence our creativeness.

Now, you need to work on your spelling and grammar. Poor grammar and a disregard for spelling detracts the reader from your story. Also, do not write as you think in your final draft. Write as you think about your idea first and then go back, proofread, write it again, go back proofread, write it again until it is refined. Your thinking of the storyline needs to be more linear, especially since you are a novice writer. Reveal your characters before you talk about them doing something. Sometimes beginning writers switch back and forth from novel writing to screenplay writing during which the reader gets confused or frustrated with having to back track. After the reveal, use action to develop who the characters are while simultaneously carrying the momentum of the story forward. Also, you want readers to be interested right away. You are failing to do this. Your story is not original enough. The title is not interesting nor does it intrigue because many have already seen the Aliens movies, then when one reads the beginning, it is pretty much the premise of the movies altogether. This may be your intention but if you are going to write something that expands on a previous concept, you need to find an interesting angle that is different. For instance, many of us have seen the Batman films. Batman was great..........Batman Returns was o.k...........the rest sucked ass. It would seem that the Batman thing is done for good. Well, I saw a trailer for this new film called Batman Begins which gives the whole background to Bruce Wayne and how he became who he is. I found it interesting and I bet it will do well simply because someone found a way to re-tell this story from a different perspective. Ya see? Work on your creative writing skills............science fiction has a tendency to be too mechanical and methodical even by some of the best writers. It takes a delicate touch to humanize sci-fi stories. Even George Lucas wasn't that great.............he had a genius idea..........but struggled to realize it to its FULL potential in my opinion. The Matrix is great because I felt it is the most balanced piece of high quality sci-fi to come around for a long time.

Hope this helps..........remember keep at it........don't get discouraged...........we all can't be Jedi Masters right away...... :D

thanks for the advice anom,the story is nothing like any aliens story before,i started it off like that so that people kind of settled in to the whole-military thing.
lets just say-the story has something to do with charles darwin,thats all i'm saying.
anyway the stories first chapters will be reminiscent of the old alien movies but will also bring something really original and fresh to the films basic idea.

thanks for the advice anom,the story is nothing like any aliens story before,i started it off like that so that people kind of settled in to the whole-military thing.
lets just say-the story has something to do with charles darwin,thats all i'm saying.
anyway the stories first chapters will be reminiscent of the old alien movies but will also bring something really original and fresh to the films basic idea.


Good. Look forward to it. In the future, try to write something that doesn't expand on a previous concept. Tell an original story based on what you know.............even at 16 I think you will be surprised at how much you can come up with without having to begin on another story's foundations. Good Luck.

I like the triple-movie crossover premise, and it could turn interesting, but I'd strongly suggest to run these through a spell-check. It detracts a lot from the experience when you have to struggle to understand what you're reading.

It's good that you've started the story with a bang but it's hard for it to be effective when the tone is so impersonal. The introduction of Cragg is okay for a first chapter, but the rest just seem a random bunch of names. Let us know who the important characters are and show us the story through their eyes. The miltary details don't matter that much, at least not to me.

Waiting to read more...

THE LANDING
A gigantic space ship began to desend from orbit and land on the dark and rocky planet surface.
"LANDING PROCEDURE COMMMENCING!GET TO YOUR POSITIONS!I REPEAT GET TO YOUR POSITIONS!"ordered a loud metalic voice which was coming from a loud speaker above cragg's head
,we're
going in
SLAUGHTER
The huge metal docking bay doors of the Hellbound began to open to reveal 5 sleek and shiny silver-tank like hovercrafts,they slowly began to rise from the ground and gracefully glide down the landing ramp and on to the planets rocky surface.
Cragg, despites his devil may cry demeanor,he was shitting himself.
"shit cragg,you've really got your self into it this time,who wants to fight an unknown race of unstoppable alien predators,i will!what the hell was i thinking?damn!why me?pull yourself together cragg,come on man"cragg muttered to himself.
"Errrrrr,sir you okay?"asked a tall,lean soilder with brown eyes and hair-your everyday soilder-if you ignore the long scaly tail jutting out of his back.
"Jesus!don't sneak up on me like that cross,whats the probelm?"inquired cragg nervously
"weeeeeell sir i was wondering........"
Suddenly a huge bang sounded out across the wasteland
"what was that sir?"asked cross
"SHIT!!! Beta's cruiser has destroyed......they're all dead...."mumbled cragg
"but how?"gasped cross
"no idea,but we aren't stopping,this is a one way ticket,we don't get the research we don't go back,now brace yourselves ,we're nearly at the facility."shouted cragg to the rest of his squad
"sir, bravo's cruiser has stopped moving,THEIR UNDER ATTACK!!!" shouted rogers the comm-trooper,everyone in the cruiser froze as they heard a loud crunch from the roof of their cruiser.
Then out of nowhere a long metallic looking tail sliced through the roof and impaled rogers
"h....elp....me"rogers wimpered
"FIRE!!!"shouted cross hundred of bullets were flying through the air,acurracy was in short supply,not only was the tail torn to shreds and rogers with it,but the control panels was smashed to pieces as well,bullets richoceted of the walls and killed various other members of the ship.
"STOP!!!HOLD YOUR FIRE!!I SAID STOP YOU FUCKING DUMBFUCKS!!!"yelled cragg his voice barely audible above the sounds of carnage and destruction.
All the soilders released their triggers and stopped their fire.
"HOLY FUCK!!! between you idiots and that alien,i'm surprised theres any of us left"shouted cragg,as he glared at the soilders(to be continued)

SLAUGHTER PART 2
Cragg had ordered all the transports to gather together and everyone to file out so that the situation could be assesed.
"RIGHT!!! private winstone,damage report,NOW"yelled cragg as he paced the waste land back and forth.
"YES SIR! all of bravo,beta and omega were all killed and their transports were disabled,osborne and hank from gamma were killed and jaqqces,parr,sheen and lee from alpha were all killed,sir we really need to retreat,whatevers out there killed half of us in under ten minutes,going through open waste land will be torn to pieces."remarked winstone.
"thats it men,i'm calling in 4 armoured chimera troops carriers and those terminators and i'll see if high command can send in a couple of dreadnaughts,everyone get into their battle armour,we could be here for a while"said cragg as he walked over to his transport and strapped on his power fist and his gleaming blue power armour.
Suddenly a shriek sounded out cross the waste land as a huge black beast with huge glistening wings descended upon the space marines,it was moving as fast as lighting anticipating the marines movements and dodging every high calibur satanium round that flew towards it with fluid grace and ease effortessly moving through the air like a fish through water.
Serge who was watching the whole thing with great interest walked over to a transport and pulled out a huge lascannon and aimed it at the alien threat that was getting closer and closer with every second.
Aiming it slowly and carefully he waited until it was five feet in front of spinal and then he squeezed the trigger sending a short burst of high powered las-energy towards the airborne xenemorph at the speed of light.
The las-energy tore through the aliens chest blowing it to pieces sending it's body parts flying everywhere and spraying spinal in acidic yellow blood which quickly melted through his face killing him.
Cragg shocked,turned to face serge who was grinning like there was no tomorrow.
"serge...HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST IT???"screamed cragg spraying serge in spittle.
Serge's grin slipped a notch as his stared into craggs glaring eyes.
"Sorry sir"serge replied simply.
cragg stomped off in anger and began to call head base for the reinforcements.

LIKE LAMBS
Duke was amazed to see that high command had actually came through,in front of him were twenty terminators loading in to 2 different land raiders,the four chimera transports that had been requested and 4 dreadnaughts,the reaserch must be priceless for them to send all of this so quickly..or perhaps they knew more than they were letting on but duke pushed the thought from his mind, he was here now and the only way he was ever gonna make it home was if they got that damn research, duke began strapping on his dented and battered armour, he had always refused to let any of the techpriests ever touch it, it had seen him through many a close call and if anyone was gonna repair it it would be him,after the armour was safetly strapped on he pulled a mirror from out of a compartment of his former transport and inspected his face,despite the fact he never wore his helmet his face was quite literally perfect, he had dark brown eyes,dark brown hair that went down to his board shoulders,spotlessly white teeth that were perfectly straight.
He was also amazingly tall even for a space marine,he could even look down on a dreadnaught,if it was'nt for his good looks and keen intellect,people would have easily mistaken him for an ogryn.
Cragg called him over to the nearest chimera.
"Duke,you're gonna have to walk along side the chimera with your mega las-cannon,ok?i'm sorry duke but your just to damn big,but your gonna have to provide us with some cover as well,so keep a keen eye ok?"cragg explained.
"yes sir"duke replied gloomly, he knew it was coming,it always happened,he was especially unhappy about it this time having seen what the aliens were capable of, he sure did't want to suffer the same fate as spinal,duke had been to hundreds of planets and had fought things the likes of which the average person would never see,even in their nightmares,but these aliens,there was something about them he could't quite put his finger on.
Then they set off,one land raider leading,with the four chimeras following trailed by the other land raider, then the four dreadnaughts slowly followed in theri usual ponderous fashion,Duke felt incredibly exposed following beside the lead chimera.
"Calm down duke old boy,calm down,just four miles and you there,you can do it " he muttered to himself.

Jeez,how much longer till we get to this damn hellhole Duke thought too himself as he checked the navi computer on his wrist.ten minutes. . .ok ok,i can do this...just a few more minutes.. Duke consoled himself,after seeing what those aliens could do he was taking no chances,no such thing as a dead hero his father used to say.
As they approched the top of the hill the research facility came into view.
"Duke,only a few more minutes,we're splitting up whats left of the team,you'll be taking the terminator squad ok?understood?" cragg said over the com link.
Damn it
"but sir is that wise?,you know horowitz is head of that unit and we have a somewhat colourful past" Duke repeated over the com-link desperatly,he could't stand horowitz -the flash cunt.
"AND YOU'LL HAVE A COLOURFUL FUCKING FUTURE WITH MY BOOT UP YOU'RE ASS IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW MY FUCKING ORDERS,CRAGG OUT" cragg blasted over the com-link
man,this mission is really getting to cragg,he hasn't been this mad since the project doom incident,but then thats kinda understable i guess Duke thought to himself oh man i can tell this is going to get worse before it gets better.
__________________________________________________________

It was dark everywhere,a young man in power armour was walking down a dark and dingy corridor,there were human entrails everywhere,the stink of molten human flesh was overpowering,nearly nothing apart from the steely glint of the ultramarine blue armour could be seen,nothing cold be heard except for the THUD....THUD....THUD of the lone marines boots.
"come on keep it together cragg,can't fail,can't fail" the young man muttered to himself.
As he turned the corner there was some kind of creature standing in his way,it was shaped like a human,it was blue from top to bottom and had six little horns protruding from it's head and it had huge jaws that resembled that of a wolf.
"time to die cragg" it growled as it snatched hold of the soldier and easily lifted him up into the air,then using his other arm he punched clean through the soldier's armour and tore his still beating heart out through his rib cage.
The soldier screamed for what seemed like hours.
" SIR! SIR! CRAGG WAKE UP...WAKE UP!!" shouted a familier voice.
Cragg slowly opened his eyes to see private winstone shaking him.
"back off kiddo,i'm fine,fine,just old memories creeping back too me" cragg assured as he rubbed his eyes and looked over the worried faces of his men.
"what do you mean sir?"private winstone asked,concerned.
"a long story" cragg replied gruffly as he turned to face away and began to sleep again.
_______________________________________________________-
Comments anyone?

just wondered if anyone had any comments on the lastest chapter,when i posted this it worked but did't aknowledge i had just written it,it wasn't showing up,so yeah,any comments?