freeyourmind
A few words first. This isn't going to include names of people from the site (maybe as minor characters later, in a cameo, but that remains to be seen), and it won't be an action story for the most part. I've planned this more or less from beginnings to end which means there's less chance of writer's block, but it also means that I have to be careful that the chapters set it up right for the ending. So what I'm saying is keep patient (on the assumption that anyone does follow this), cos the updates here aren't going to be exactly on a regular basis, and please bare with me :D
Also, I've said this a lot to no avail but I'll give it a shot anyway - I am dying for feedback, be it positive or negative. Mainly negative really. If there's something in the language, the style, the pace, the readability, the credibility - anything that bugs you or that you'd like more of, I'd really appreciate hearing about it, in this thread or in PM. I'll try and deal with those issues as best I can in the future installments. Anyhow, here goes:
EDIT: I forgot to credit the girl at least us MHers might remember as Shadow Illuminus, for working with me to map the general story up. Thanks mate!
__________________
He took his eyes off the computer monitor and glanced at his watch. 4:30 am. He'd really outdone himself this time. He still didn't feel remotely tired, but thought he'd grab himself a cup of water.
Rubbing his eyes furiously, he got up from his chair and walked up to the bedroom door. He'd pulled it half open when it slammed itself back shut, causing him to stumble forwards slightly. 'what?' he exclaimed, incredulous. He pulled at the handle again, but the door wouldn't budge.
A strange feeling overtook him. He felt confined, trapped, starved. He ran, panic-struck, to his room's window, and tried to pull it open with all his might. Nothing.
Screaming in rage and desperation he punched at the window, clawed at it, cursed at it, but the feeling wouldn't subside. He picked up his chair and threw it at the unrelenting window with strength he didn't even know he had in him. The chair connected and then bounced back, barely missing him as he ducked, crashing to the floor in a broken mess.
BEEP.
His chest heaving, he turned towards the source of the noise – apprantely his computer. The image of his favourite chatroom on the monitor had been replaced by a black screen. He stared at it, blank eyed, for a few seconds.
BEEP.
Two words had appeared on the screen: "GET OUT."
"I'm trying, I'm trying!" he moaned, barely holding his tears now. He slumped back onto his bed, his head between his hands. What was he supposed to do?
BEEP.
He looked up at the monitor. The beeping was beginning to concern him. He walked over to the computer and tried to exit whatever program had brought on this black screen.
BEEP.
The beeping was becoming more frequent now, and the sounds increasingly unsettling.
BEEP. BEEP.
"What is this?" he said, shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn't exit the program.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
He tried resetting. Nothing. Tried shutting off the computer, disconnecting the electricity. The words remained.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
He could now clearly tell that the beeping sound was coming from the computer. He disconnected its wires from it, picked it up, and smashed it down on the floor. But the computer, lying on its side, was seemingly unharmed.
The beepings were now no longer separated by any stretch of time. They had grown into a constant, mechanical whine, that was growing louder by the second.
He backed away from his computer and into a wall. The noise was becoming unbearable. He shut off his ears with his palms and sank down to the floor, his eyes closed tightly shut. He was afraid, alone, and confused. In spite of himself he felt tears start to stream down his face.
Then, it stopped.
He rose up slowly, and walked cautiously towards his computer. It's whine had turned into a low humming now, but it was getting louder.
Sensing that this was his chance, he surveyed the room anxiously, searching for an opening. His eyes seemed drawn back to the words on the monitor. "Get out" he mouthed, "get out. Where? Why?"
He was running out of time. The humming itself was now approaching deafenning volume. He looked back down at the computer, and only then noticed the enormous heat emanating from it.
Just when he thought he couldn't take the noise no longer, an even louder one invaded his senses. An explosion filled his ears and rocked him off his feet. The walls around him and the ceiling burst outwards, and his body was catapulted out into the night sky.
He spun in midair and looked down at the rubble of what was once his home.
Everything was gone.
But he had no time to dwell on that. He was plummeting down fast towards the street below. He opened his mouth in a silent scream as he saw the sidewalk rushing towards him, and then, to his surprise, he fell through it. For a few moments asphalt filled his vision and pressed lightly against his body, bending in as if to accommodate him, and then it snapped back up, throwing his body into the air once more. But the fall was already braced, its momentum killed, and caused him no damage as he lay sprawled down on the road.
Slowly he arose, surveying the street around him. It was busy, despite the hour, and all around him people were walking, going about their businesses in an eerily impersonal way. None of them were talking, and as he looked harder he was surprised to find that he could not make up any faces in the crowd.
His thoughts were interrupted as a cautious instinct compelled him to turn around. A few tens of metres in front of him he spotted three faceless men, something untraceably menacing about them, studying him coldly.
The men exchanged glances, one of them nodded, and slowly they begun to walk towards him.
He started backing away in a start, felt that unshakeable instinct kick in again and turned to break into a full run. Glancing back behind his shoulder he saw that the men weren't going to give up. They were running, and running fast.
Closing his eyes in fear and concentration he kept at it, ignoring his exhaustion, but to no avail. He felt a hand brush against his shoulder. Turning his head in alarm he saw one of the men make another grab at him, this time managing to grasp flesh. The man's hand caught his skin somewhere between the back of his neck and his shoulder, and he felt his consciousness and life-force slowly leaving him.
He began to realize that this is the end, but then was suddenly consumed by rage. This couldn't be the end. He wasn't finished yet. Snapping back into life he pushed the shocked man's hand away, and mustered as much of this new, mysterious power as he could, to break into another, faster, sprint.
Spying the city harbour up ahead of him, he was gripped by an overwhelming desire to get to the sea. He had to get to the sea.
Not far now. He glanced over shoulder to find the men still running but farther away than before, and turned back just in time to dive inside.
A feeling of safety overtook him. He came above water to find the three men standing on land, staring at him maliciously but helplessly. Finally, their bodies fell motionless to the floor. He breathed a huge sigh of relief.
But his feeling of safety was short lived. He was suddenly and violently pulled underwater by his foot. He turned around, exhausted, to find an enormous octopus staring him down with unmistakable hatred in its eyes. It raised two of its tentacles and smashed him in his face and chest. Then, with the wind knocked out of him, the octopus proceeded to bring every one of its tentacles to his throat, applying pressure and suffocating him.
He was completely helpless this time, too tired to try and resist, and closed his eyes, waiting for his death.
But it wouldn't come. With a squeal the beast disconnected all of its tentacles from him, and he felt the water pressure around him suddenly disappear. He opened his eyes and found himself falling again, from the sky. Staring down in horror he frantically glanced around, desperate to try and find a way out. He hit a hard surface, a body, and was picked up by two massive arms, brought up to come to face to face with what held him. He regarded the creature in confusion and horror. It appeared to be another octopus, even larger, but metallic, with too many eyes to count.
The terrifying monster held his weak, insignificant body up so that he faced the sky. Perspiring madly and breathing heavily, he tried not to think of what would be done to him. He heard a deafening roar, and the clinking of metal, and as he felt the cold, sharp tentacle cut into his back and out through his heart, the 18-year old Thomas A. Anderson woke up with a terrified and anguished scream.
Also, I've said this a lot to no avail but I'll give it a shot anyway - I am dying for feedback, be it positive or negative. Mainly negative really. If there's something in the language, the style, the pace, the readability, the credibility - anything that bugs you or that you'd like more of, I'd really appreciate hearing about it, in this thread or in PM. I'll try and deal with those issues as best I can in the future installments. Anyhow, here goes:
EDIT: I forgot to credit the girl at least us MHers might remember as Shadow Illuminus, for working with me to map the general story up. Thanks mate!
__________________
He took his eyes off the computer monitor and glanced at his watch. 4:30 am. He'd really outdone himself this time. He still didn't feel remotely tired, but thought he'd grab himself a cup of water.
Rubbing his eyes furiously, he got up from his chair and walked up to the bedroom door. He'd pulled it half open when it slammed itself back shut, causing him to stumble forwards slightly. 'what?' he exclaimed, incredulous. He pulled at the handle again, but the door wouldn't budge.
A strange feeling overtook him. He felt confined, trapped, starved. He ran, panic-struck, to his room's window, and tried to pull it open with all his might. Nothing.
Screaming in rage and desperation he punched at the window, clawed at it, cursed at it, but the feeling wouldn't subside. He picked up his chair and threw it at the unrelenting window with strength he didn't even know he had in him. The chair connected and then bounced back, barely missing him as he ducked, crashing to the floor in a broken mess.
BEEP.
His chest heaving, he turned towards the source of the noise – apprantely his computer. The image of his favourite chatroom on the monitor had been replaced by a black screen. He stared at it, blank eyed, for a few seconds.
BEEP.
Two words had appeared on the screen: "GET OUT."
"I'm trying, I'm trying!" he moaned, barely holding his tears now. He slumped back onto his bed, his head between his hands. What was he supposed to do?
BEEP.
He looked up at the monitor. The beeping was beginning to concern him. He walked over to the computer and tried to exit whatever program had brought on this black screen.
BEEP.
The beeping was becoming more frequent now, and the sounds increasingly unsettling.
BEEP. BEEP.
"What is this?" he said, shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn't exit the program.
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
He tried resetting. Nothing. Tried shutting off the computer, disconnecting the electricity. The words remained.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
He could now clearly tell that the beeping sound was coming from the computer. He disconnected its wires from it, picked it up, and smashed it down on the floor. But the computer, lying on its side, was seemingly unharmed.
The beepings were now no longer separated by any stretch of time. They had grown into a constant, mechanical whine, that was growing louder by the second.
He backed away from his computer and into a wall. The noise was becoming unbearable. He shut off his ears with his palms and sank down to the floor, his eyes closed tightly shut. He was afraid, alone, and confused. In spite of himself he felt tears start to stream down his face.
Then, it stopped.
He rose up slowly, and walked cautiously towards his computer. It's whine had turned into a low humming now, but it was getting louder.
Sensing that this was his chance, he surveyed the room anxiously, searching for an opening. His eyes seemed drawn back to the words on the monitor. "Get out" he mouthed, "get out. Where? Why?"
He was running out of time. The humming itself was now approaching deafenning volume. He looked back down at the computer, and only then noticed the enormous heat emanating from it.
Just when he thought he couldn't take the noise no longer, an even louder one invaded his senses. An explosion filled his ears and rocked him off his feet. The walls around him and the ceiling burst outwards, and his body was catapulted out into the night sky.
He spun in midair and looked down at the rubble of what was once his home.
Everything was gone.
But he had no time to dwell on that. He was plummeting down fast towards the street below. He opened his mouth in a silent scream as he saw the sidewalk rushing towards him, and then, to his surprise, he fell through it. For a few moments asphalt filled his vision and pressed lightly against his body, bending in as if to accommodate him, and then it snapped back up, throwing his body into the air once more. But the fall was already braced, its momentum killed, and caused him no damage as he lay sprawled down on the road.
Slowly he arose, surveying the street around him. It was busy, despite the hour, and all around him people were walking, going about their businesses in an eerily impersonal way. None of them were talking, and as he looked harder he was surprised to find that he could not make up any faces in the crowd.
His thoughts were interrupted as a cautious instinct compelled him to turn around. A few tens of metres in front of him he spotted three faceless men, something untraceably menacing about them, studying him coldly.
The men exchanged glances, one of them nodded, and slowly they begun to walk towards him.
He started backing away in a start, felt that unshakeable instinct kick in again and turned to break into a full run. Glancing back behind his shoulder he saw that the men weren't going to give up. They were running, and running fast.
Closing his eyes in fear and concentration he kept at it, ignoring his exhaustion, but to no avail. He felt a hand brush against his shoulder. Turning his head in alarm he saw one of the men make another grab at him, this time managing to grasp flesh. The man's hand caught his skin somewhere between the back of his neck and his shoulder, and he felt his consciousness and life-force slowly leaving him.
He began to realize that this is the end, but then was suddenly consumed by rage. This couldn't be the end. He wasn't finished yet. Snapping back into life he pushed the shocked man's hand away, and mustered as much of this new, mysterious power as he could, to break into another, faster, sprint.
Spying the city harbour up ahead of him, he was gripped by an overwhelming desire to get to the sea. He had to get to the sea.
Not far now. He glanced over shoulder to find the men still running but farther away than before, and turned back just in time to dive inside.
A feeling of safety overtook him. He came above water to find the three men standing on land, staring at him maliciously but helplessly. Finally, their bodies fell motionless to the floor. He breathed a huge sigh of relief.
But his feeling of safety was short lived. He was suddenly and violently pulled underwater by his foot. He turned around, exhausted, to find an enormous octopus staring him down with unmistakable hatred in its eyes. It raised two of its tentacles and smashed him in his face and chest. Then, with the wind knocked out of him, the octopus proceeded to bring every one of its tentacles to his throat, applying pressure and suffocating him.
He was completely helpless this time, too tired to try and resist, and closed his eyes, waiting for his death.
But it wouldn't come. With a squeal the beast disconnected all of its tentacles from him, and he felt the water pressure around him suddenly disappear. He opened his eyes and found himself falling again, from the sky. Staring down in horror he frantically glanced around, desperate to try and find a way out. He hit a hard surface, a body, and was picked up by two massive arms, brought up to come to face to face with what held him. He regarded the creature in confusion and horror. It appeared to be another octopus, even larger, but metallic, with too many eyes to count.
The terrifying monster held his weak, insignificant body up so that he faced the sky. Perspiring madly and breathing heavily, he tried not to think of what would be done to him. He heard a deafening roar, and the clinking of metal, and as he felt the cold, sharp tentacle cut into his back and out through his heart, the 18-year old Thomas A. Anderson woke up with a terrified and anguished scream.