Random Ways to Die

You're watching TV, when suddenly, the Hulk's network television premiere comes on. In an attempt to hastily grab the remote, you flail your arms wildly in frustration, unintentionally knocking over a nearby candle. The candle sets the afghan on your chair on fire, and soon, you too are on flames. Due to the commotion and the fact that you are on fire, you begin to choke on your popcorn. You are still unable to switch the abomination of a movie off in your final moments...

A manly way to die is cut your own throat. Which is what I would have done if that was me TINM.

One day you are typing a message on MM and a random electrical surge hits you randomly. This causes a huge electric volt to course throughout your entire body, but you stay alive. Just in time for a plane to come crashing through your window, the blades destroying your body.

Free Your Minds.

-neoizcool

You're out riding a horse, and you have to take on this steep hill. Unfortunately it's a wee bit muddy, the horse slips and falls. Luckily, you managed to move/jump out of the way enough that good ol' Betsy didn't fall on you. Instead, you fall into a pile of brush that happens to contain a large hardwood stick that manages to stab you just right as to puncture your side. The wound isn't bad, but could be if you stay outside much longer. Looking around, you realize that you're not too far from a farmhouse, so you set off in that direction by foot. On the way, you slip in some mud and fall down in to a pond that you hadn't really seen because it was so overgrown with weeds and the water level was rather low. Sliding down into the muddy mess, you flail trying to get out, but the mud acts like quicksand. Finally, you manage to roll onto your side and roll out of the pit. Covered in bloody mud, gasping for breath and feeling like you're about to black out any second, you approach the wonderful farmhouse. Outside you see a human silhouette and call out to it. It disappears inside the farmhouse for a second, then returns with a large stick.
"Git off mah probberdy!" it yells, only to be followed with a resounding "boom."

It wasn't until you hit the ground that you felt the pain in your chest, but that lasted only a minute.

Your mother-in-law comes over for a visit. While you are trying to escape out the window, you realize you forgot your car keys. Panic sets in, do you go for the keys or find a place to hide outside? You dive outside anyway... right into a nest of black widows! The pain is unbareable, but not as bad as a visit from your mother-in-law. Rather than ask for help (and risk having to talk to the old crone) you swell into a blob of infection and choke on your own fluids.

I'm glad I never met your mother in law.

Whilst walking the dog, you get hit by a bus. Rather than being propelled any distance, you somehow become attached to the buses body work and are dragged along. This continues for approximately 7.4 kilometers until the bus starts to climb a steep hill and you become dislodged and roll down the side of the bus and continue down the hill. You are unable to stop yourself and you roll under a crash barrier on a steep bend mid way down the hill and fall down the cliff. You are battered and bruised by the rock formations , breaking 4 ribs, dislocating your knee, cracking open your skull, cutting your cheek and banging your funny bone.

You finally stop falling and a few minutes later, when you regain conciousness, you realise you are lay in a filed of corn. A strange mechanical buzzing can be heard, like a swarm of tin bees, and you manage to roll over to look in the direction the noise is coming from. The blades of the combine harvester chop you into 50,000,000 pieces and you are quite certain you are dead

You are sitting watching football, but unfortunately it is in a car, and you are the driver, so you never see the semi coming around the corner.

Free Your Minds.

-neoizcool

You are out on your lunch break and it's a nice day, so you take your salami and cheese sandwich, chips, and snapple out into a grassy park and sit on a bench to eat. You are tired from not getting enough sleep last night and waking up early for work, so you yawn. As you yawn, a bluebird flies overhead, and, as bluebirds do, it shits in midair. It's droppings do their job and drop, right into the back of your throat. While you're coughing/gagging/vomiting, you fall to the grass, whilst choking upon your own vomit. A woman is throwing a frisbee and her dog is fetching it. The frisbee is thrown in your direction but the dog misses and unintentionally bites off your left ear. The sounds of you in distress are misinterpreted by the dog as threats toward it's owner and it severly mangles your right thigh and flank as a result. The coroner determines that you died of both asphyxiation and excessive bleeding. Not very random, I know, but at least I tried.

You're employed by Oscar Mayer, at their hot dog division. During your lunch break, your girlfriend, Sally, stops by for a visit. The two of you scurry off to the production area, where the oodles of machines grind together all the dogs that will soon be fashioned into a hot dog. You begin to madly make out with Sally atop the second floor that overlooks those machines. Unfortunately, the two of you go at it a bit too rough, and Sally slips over the nearby rail, plummeting into the gnashing metal monsters. In an ironic twist of events, bits of Sally are in the hot dog you eat at the baseball game next week.

You send a mail bomb and it gets returned for insuffecient postage. You open it...

You leave a battery on your desk. http://www.jhprod.com/mpegs/Pile_Eng_480x360.mov

its a sunny day, your slowly walking along a garden path with a monitor on legs and you notice your monitor freind is talking to you (words appear on her screen), she says in 733+ "its a beautiful day, how about we make out" seizing the opportunity you grab the monitor in both hands and passionately love the monitor, then with the familiar beep of a popup message you remove your lips from teh screen and see the familiar login screen for steam... you being to feel strange but cant put your finger on the awkward feeling. Then suddenly doug lombardi from valve entertainment jumps out of a bush with a 1930's gangster tommy gun and screams "log into steam or i'll kill you both" the words "-scream-" appear on the monitors screen and you stand resolute. Mr.lombardi, irritated by the level of shityness his most recent game has reached pulls the trigger, several hundred 45. bullets scream toward you and the monitor jumps in front of the metal storm and is reduced to a million tiny shards of plastic and glass... you begin to cry, but as the first tears spill from your eyeballs you see neo, mr. myagi and optimus prime burst out of the nearby adult bookstore and reduce mr.lombardi to a small pile of semi-opaque goo, neo casts a spell using his amazing haircut and abolishes steam and you kneel over the corpse of your monitor and scream "WHY!!!" into the stormy night

but where in that whole fiasco did YOU die?

Kick boxing match with Satan.

....then out of nowhere an intergalctic space lemon with sabertooth fangs lands behind you and eats you, you fail to notice however because you are still wracked with greif at the loss of your monitor. the lemon juice makes short work of digesting you and your skeleton is shat onto a nearby highrise before the lemon flies back into space....

Nice save.

*Insert required length here*

i actually borrowed the fanged lemon concept off this RPG website called www.Kingdomofloathing.com, its quite a pisstake on diablo, everquest and the like, shit graphics but pretty damn funny

get out of my computer!!!!!! I've been living at KoL for the last week or so...
my mosquito could take your fanged lime any day.

no shit? HAH im only level 4, when i got my job i couldnt spend half as much time on it... my adventures keep backing up...

You're sitting around late one boring night, burning some incense just because it's the only thing you can burn in your dorm without getting into trouble, then start to wonder exactly what patchouli smells like. So, like any curious person, you put the stick rediculously close to your nose, thus catching your nosehairs on fire and smoking out your sinuses as well. While you're busy rolling around on the floor, now, trying desperately to get the burning sensation to die down, you accidentally scrape your arm on the metal frame of your bed. Luckily, the bed just happens to have some germs on it due to you never, ever cleaning the frame (seriously, who cleans bedframes?). Eventually the burning in your nose goes away and by the time your sense of smell returns (days later), you've completely forgotten about the scratch.

Like any good germs, those on the bedframe happened to contain a bit of flesh-eating bacteria. Within a week, you notice something funky's going on with your arm, but are too cheap to go to the doctor. You think back and remember hearing something about leech and maggot treatments, but you don't remember which is used in which situation, so you go with both.

You're a moron. Why? Because you never take the leeches off, and it's not exactly a good idea to put maggots on an area where the flesh is already being eaten away by something else. So, twice as fast, your arm rots away completely, but you don'ot really care because you're sucked so low of blood, it takes everything you've got to walk out to your car. Why would you go to your car? Because you finally decide to see a doctor. As you approach your vehicle, another one backs out and runs you over, helping put you out of your misery.
Fuck.

spontaneous combustion...that's about as random as it gets

You go out for a power-walk and a grand piano falls on you.

you eat out a hooker's ass...(Maddox's idea)

One word: Terrorists.

one day while masturbating you bring new meaning to the word "explosive orgasm" and your genitals detonate with the force of a kilo of C4 just as you climax. you can imagine what you look like after something like that.

during a love session.

realizing your post count never goes up...you die of sheer bordom.

you live until your heart stops beating.

Stryk-9']realizing your post count never goes up...you die of sheer bordom.

Could that be because you're spamming in all the forums that have spam-nets, which catch that spam before it turns into post counts?

Whilst going on your daily walk with your pet dog, Woofie, you sit for a few minutes under a 100 year old Gum Tree. While observing your beautiful surroundings, a refridgerator bearing 10 weeks worth of school newsletters and numerous novelty magnets falls out of the thee and on you, crushing you both.

You went to bed, when you woke up you saw Jesus half naked and says "go to hell..."

This kind of has the Final destination theme to it.


You are eating at mcdonalds, for the fourth time that day. You suddenly have a sharp pain in your chest, you realize it is a heart attack and weakly yell for help, you are rushed to the hospital, but on the way your ambulance is struck by a semi. The back door are thrown open and you are thrown out of the vehicle. one of the paramedics had his arm chopped off by a shard of metal that was flung during the collision. The arm is flung and stabs out one of your eyes. You are on the road many broken bones and still having a heart attack. You here the sirens in the distance and try to crawl off the road. Some jerk off on a motor cycle doesn't want to wait for the accident to be cleared and begins to drive on the side walk, he does not see you until to late and runs over the lower half of your body crushing you lower internal organs and your spine. The motor cyclist is thrown and goes head first into a pole, btw he is not wearing a helmet. he hit the pole so hard it falls, part of it hists you in the back of the neck breaking it in half. You are laying face first on the side walk. You are lower than him on the hill. His blood flows onto the sidewalk and make it to your face. The puddle is just big enough to keep you from breathing, you drown in his blood.

You read a letter from the insurance company saying that you have to pay out $750 to pay for the excess on your insurance from a car accident you had a month ago. The letter also describes the damage to the other vehicle. You die by a combination of drowning in the sea of bullshit streaming from the letter, and the shock of realising that you won't be able to eat fr at least a few weeks.

You get woke up by your dad at 3:00am saying you have a phonecall on the family line from your ex drunk saying he wants to talk to "his wife" but you clearly remember even at 3:00am that you happily signed the divorce papers. You get the death penalty and die of lethal injection due to driving to his house, kicking the door in, stomping a mudhole in his worthless ass, and slitting his throat laughing as the blood makes a hugh mess on the carpet you use to have to vacume everyday for 61/2 years.

You're watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas when all of a sudden the channel changes to show a cat licking up the blood of a squirrel. You start to jump around by the change (the cat is much better than the Grinch is) when your head hits the revolving ceiling fan. You are twirled around for a little bit when, after being scalped, you fly out the window and into a thornbush which has mysteriously sprouted a few seconds ago. The amoeba in the bush just happened to achieve mitosis and enters the garden hose, which lodges itself in your throat and gushes. The water goes down your esophagus, ruptures your alimentary canal in several places, and comes out your rear end. You die of massive internal damage while attempting to dial the Pep Boys for a piece of cake.

Ok.Your in the army and there's a war going on and a German man writes the funniest joke in the world and calls it The Joke.The Germans translate The Joke into english and uses it in the battlefield and you die laughing.